When you become convinced that your dating relationship is not what you want, breaking up with your partner is by far one of the most difficult thing to do if both of you have been together for a long time or have been very close.  How you do this may affect the chances of having this person as a friend in the future, or you may loose this person’s friendship althogether.

Unless your partner had a negative influence on your life, you will probably want to maintain his or her friendship.  These are some guidelines for a graceful breakup:

1. Don’t lead someone on when you want out

Sometimes it is easier to continue to be together than facing the situation because you do not want to to hurt the other person.  After a while, you find that your partner begins to treat you badly (being scarcastic, inconsiderate, unthoughtful, being selfish and even abusive), hoping you will get the hint and want out of the relationship just as badly.

Prolonging the pain by treating a person disrespectfully is a mean thing to do.

2. Break up face-to-face

The breakup will easier to accept if you at least have the guts to face the person you are breaking up with.  Facing the person shows respect.  Breaking up over the telephone, where you can discuss the situation together is the next best way.

It may be the 21st century, but some people resort to sending text message to breakup with their partner or even telling they want a divorce is downright irresponsible and unthoughtful.

Avoid a “Dear Mark” letter, and do not ask someone to do your dirty work for you.  Can you imagine how it makes the other person feel when he or she hears about your plans to breakup from another person?

3.  Don’t say too much

Be truthful – but not brutally truthful.  You do not have to try and justify why you want to breakup by giving a breakup speech on “100 reasons to breakup with you”.  Many of your reasons may appear shallow to your partner.  And, it’s too easy to get sidetracked and argue over insignificant matters.  Just clearly state your reason for wanting a breakup in such a way that arguing is unnecessary:

“I’m no longer happy in this relationship.”

“I feel our differences are too great to have a lasting relationship.”

“I have a desire to date other people.”

“I feel I am too immature to settle down into a steady relationship.”

Note: Each of these reasons started with the word “I”.  That brings me to the next point.

4.  Give “I-messages” not “you-messages”

An “I-message” means the sender is taking responsibility for the breakup of the relationship, while a “you-message” casts blame on the other person.  Notice the difference between, “I am not happy when we are together and I often go home feeling hurt”, versus “You say things that hurt my feelings”.

5.  Be thoughtful

You can cushion your breakup by telling the other person what the relationship mean to you.  mention a few of the most admirable traits of the person, “I love your sense of humor. I want to be your friend, but I don’t want to be dating with you”.

It may be thoughtful to warn your steady about a possible breakup.  But, don’t keep threatening and then do nothing about it. No one enjoys a yo-yo existence – up one day and down the next.  Be decisive.  In the long run it is the least painful way.

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